Shadows Of Eden
by Wicked Little Aleu
Summary: Set in post game. Hawke is forced to kill Romanced Anders. She's not handling it well. Varric stops by and wishes he hadn't. This is COMPLETELY unrelated to Aiming To Misbehave.


Shadows Of Eden

_**Took me a wicked long time to start updating this. I eff'd it up so bad, ha. I'm fixing it I swear. **_

_**BioWare Owns, but you knew that :) **_

Time flies. The one thing guarenteed in life is death.

Time flies past us all sometimes so swiftly we're left wondering where it went, and what it all means.

Time flew especially quickly for Vivian Hawke, these last three years even more so. All that time spent trying to avoid what she knew now she was always destined to be; The Champion of kirkwall. She never wanted to decide the fate of an entire city, or its people.

Hawke opened her eyes for the first time in what felt like years. She sat up slowly in her bed, sore and nausious. looking around her room dreary eyes aching from crying herself to sleep maker knows how long before. She made a mental note that she should probably be out her door already, to help Kirkwall put itself back together. She couldn't imagine even trying to sort this out without Anders. All in one night she'd lost all she'd had left, all she'd dare hope for. He'd used her to his own ends and then blown up the chantry. It didn't feel real. She shook her head, trying to dislodge the truth from her brain. Anders was gone, and all hope with him. Her insides constricted.

Her heart painfully skipped a beat, feeling more like it was being ripped out of her. She yelped, stunned and sagging forward, mouth open in a silent scream. Kirkwall would never be whole again, and neither would she. Her agony peaked and washed over her. She hadn't cried in 3 years and now she thought she might drown in her tears.

"God damn you!" She shreiked, digging at her chest as if to rip out what hurt her so. Her body trembled as violent spasms of greif and rage shot white hot pain down every nerve in her small frame. She thought she might just shake herself to pieces. Pulling her knees to her chest she rocked herself, resting her head on her knees. _How could he do __**this**__? _In all the years she'd known him, all the things they went through together and he charges off into the void without her.

Her breath came in ragged broken sobs as another wave crashed over her. He'd forced her hand without regard for how it would destroy her.

_"At least I got to be happy for a little while..." _

Rage took her, "FUCK YOU." she spat at his memory. His voice was the last, and the only thing she wanted to hear. Hawke had known he was planning something. She hated herself for not seeing it.

"All those people...Anders how could you?" His face was all she could see in her mind, it killed her, those big sad eyes. She longed to reach out and touch his cheek, but he was nowhere now. For the rest of her life he would only exist in her memories.

Slowly her grief began to subside, giving way to numbness. Hawke didn't know which was worse, feeling her heart in every wretched broken detail, or feeling it dissapear all together. If she couldn't find it, how would she know if it was real at all? She pressed her forhead hard into her knees, fighting the urge to headbutt the hard bone there. _I wonder if I could cause enough brain damage to forget him..._she thought darkly, smirking dispite herself.

"Hawke?" Varric's voice pulled her from her thoughts. Her head shot up, he was standing in her doorway with his arms at his sides. She had never seen Varric look so lost. His eyes had the same redness she expected hers to have. He half shrugged and looked down before he spoke again. "The uh, knight captain sent for you."

Hawke narrowed her eyes at her friend. She wondered how long he'd been here. _How much of that did he see? _

"Varric, what are you doing here?" _He just told you why, stupid._

The dwarf was more than a little uncomfortable and he found himself fidgeting with the fabric of his tunic rather than look at Hawke directly. She'd looked like an imploded star, drawing darkness in around her from all directions. The last thing he'd wanted was to be here, she needed to grieve. For that matter so did he. Anders had been a friend, and a damn good one at that.

_Poor dumb bastard. _Varric had been visiting with Bethany when Knight Captain Cullen approached him, imploring him to bring the Champion at once. He'd explained that while he felt for her loss Kirkwall needed its Champion. Varric had reluctantly agreed, though he doubted very much that Hawke was in any condition to lead anyone. Even so he'd made his way to the estate to find her like this.

"Cullen thinks you can rally the city back to its feet." He laughed a little, trying to break the tension.

"Haven't I given enough to this fucking city?" Hawke barked sharply. She jumped off her bed, closing the distance between herself and Varric with a few easy strides.

"You tell that son of a whore to fuck himself! I hope this city falls into the sodding ocean." She regretted saying it. None of this was Varric's fault. His heart was broken too. She looked down at the wounded face of her friend and sighed heavly.

"I'm sorry." she all but whispered. Varric smiled half heartedly, reaching up to touch her arm. No matter how long he lived he was sure he would never grasp how much that cut had cost her. His heart broke for her loss, for his.

"No need Hawke." He patted her arm, and turned to take his leave.

He looked back at her, "You know...I miss him too."

Hawke took a sharp breath, her chest felt so tight she worried the pressure would snap her breastbone. She nodded her response, covering her mouth with her hand. She didn't trust herself not to start screaming. _Maker it hurts so much..._

Varric took his leave, suddenly wishing he could stay. He didn't trust Hawke when left to her own devices. He wondered as he said his goodbyes to Bodahn how the man could live under the stress.

_I'd have jumped out a window by now._

He had just closed the door when something he hadn't expected broken into his reverie. That it was Hawke was absolute. The scream itself however, sounded unnatural.

His spine felt like brittle glass. He broke into a sprint as fast as his short legs would allow toward the Gallows. The Knight Captain needed to know Hawke wassn't coming. Not today, and by the sound of it, probably not ever.

Hawk had watched Varric leave but didn't truely see him. She grimmaced, turning her anger inward till she could no longer stand it.

Broken directionless sobs beat the oxygen from her lungs every time she tried to take another breath. Hot tears carved their way down her cheeks. The room looked off, having never felt her knees hit the floor.

With trembling lips and disjointed keening words she called out for him, quietly at first. Then louder and louder. Her throat felt raw. She couldn't find any reason to care.

Her small hands, rigid and shaking overlapped each other over her stomach, flat and toned as she conjured Anders in her mind.

"This!" She snarled, "This is yours...but you will never know it, just as you NEVER knew me!"

Finally, she did the only thing she could do. She started talking to him. Telling him everything she felt. Her dreams, her fears. She confessed her love, to no one.

"How could you leave me alone in this? Maker this hurts so much, and no matter how hard I cry, I know your never coming home."

She began to gather her mana, reaching deeper than ever before. A deep blue energy burned in her palms.

"I loved you Anders, You killed us both."

With shaking hands she held the energy higher as it grew and pulsed like a living thing, sucking the very oxygen from the room around her to fuel itself.

_"I'll love you forever."_ His voice said lovingly in her mind.

_"Only forever?"_ Her memory answered softly, like feathers on a breeze.

With a loud, sorrowful cry she released the magic in her hands. It seemed to implode, shooting painfully through her chest, scorching the wall behind her and catching the curtains on fire.

Hawke lay on her bedroom floor, bleeding out and for a moment, she knew again what peace could be.

Anders danced in her mind, pulling her with him to move with the rythem of the music. Their laughter echo'd in her ears. Otcher eyes welcomed her home before the world went dark.


End file.
